What Am I Doing?
I've blogged on and off for years, dating way back to my grad school days, so when I began blogging about life after divorce, I felt confident I could write savvy posts about how to internally navigate the end of a marriage.
I assumed this because I had devoured article after article, self-help tip after self-help tip, and each time I came away with this sense that the article I just read was loaded with bullshit. Many articles aimed to encourage women to get back on that dating horse and ride it into the most glorious sex of our lives. Other articles doubled-down on the "this too shall pass" notion rather than confessing in gory detail the awfulness of divorce. At best, those articles would give a passing glance that divorce stunk, but ultimately left the wads of crumpled tissue and the screaming conversations about school off the page.
Everything is fine. It's okay to not be okay. Effing cliches, man, don't work for me.
So, in true Carrah fashion, I decided to be the voice I wanted to read.
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
That decision ultimately earned me a "bless her heart" badge because I do not have the authority to be that voice.
Even today, nearly three years since my separation and nearly two full years of my actual divorce, I do not know what the hell it is I'm doing. I don't even know what it is I'm supposed to be doing.
So, I hope to God I've taken the first step toward a promising direction by doing one simple, yet crucial thing: tell the truth.
That's right: I've been holding back. As a result, I've not even come close to being that voice I needed to read.
Because the authority was in telling the truth as I experience what I struggled to get through, and, in some ways, what I continue to struggle through.
I've wanted so much to be brave, to act like my marriage's break up was a little ding in my ego, but that has not been the case. Getting a divorce turned my world upside down. I knew it would. I did it anyway, and I've felt almost fine ever since.
Still, I don't regret walking out and starting this new direction.
I recently discovered that this blog allows me to let out my thoughts of what's happened in the last few years because I rarely discuss my divorce here in my home state with my family and friends.
I know why I practice this "mums the word" technique--those close to me at home either have implicitly or explicitly told me I need "to get over it already." By contrast, friends I recently visited in Boston didn't seem to mind listening, a needed relief of which I took full advantage.
Though I risk disappointing people with this post, I cannot bare to stay silent for someone else's comfort any more. It's literally making me sick.
So, honesty is the direction I'm heading. Some of my future posts may be as messy as the experience I describe, but they'll be honest.
It is my full belief that the greatest act of love comes from having the cojones of saying the thing no one else can utter. Honesty is the first step in true healing and forward movement.
And The Truth Is...
The truth is I learned that I have to learn to trust my instincts all over again. I learned that leaving a marriage means creating an entirely new normal, and creating that new normal is ongoing and hard AF.
I learned that what breaks you does not make you stronger--it leaves you broken. You then have to decide what to do with that brokenness--leave it to heal or nurse the wound forever. I've learned that scars are par for the course and it's an effing small tax to pay to live the life according to the way I see fit.
I've learned that my lessons will never end.
So, that's where this blog is going. I'm not the voice of reason. I'm not some sassy-pants confident confidante. I'm a GAD-ridden, messy, curious, and fiercely independent person--all characteristics I never thought would describe me. But there it is.
Lastly, I've learned being almost fine leaves me without the certainty I prefer, but that's not a bad thing. It keeps me open, it keeps me willing to go back in, and it keeps me on my toes enough on the tightrope to balance then move, balance then move.
Would I want my life any other way?
But this is the one I've got. So, all I can do is experience it and then share it all with you.