Updated: Nov 26, 2019
I spent too much time believing that I would remain unwanted and unloved as a punishment for divorcing my husband. As penance, I decided to give up hoping for future friendships and lovers, because, who would want me--the woman who left?
But then, I watched Stranger Things and saw David Harbour (see picture below) play the impeccably flawed Hawkins Police Chief Jim Hopper, and inexplicably, I felt something I'd not allowed myself to feel for nearly three years: hope.
How did this hope reemerge because of a television show? Because David Harbour looks so normal, like a regular guy--like a guy I'd be most interested in knowing and most definitely one I'd be interested in dating.
So, I am walking with a bit more flaunt and purpose these days because, for the first time in a long time, I feel that what I seek in a partner is actually attainable.
While it is true that the David Harbour is out of my reach (and league), what is within my reach is an intelligent, ruggedly handsome, and creative man.
1. You've Got to be Smart, Baby
For starters, in order to get and keep my attention as a prospective date mate, the man must have a robust amount of intelligence and a vast interior life. Does David Harbour have these things? It seems so: A Dartmouth graduate and a man who contemplates (perhaps in the mornings with coffee) about his craft is likely one who is smart and spends quite a bit of time thinking. There must be more men like that somewhere around Raleigh, for it would be nice to have deeper conversations more often than not.
For example, it would be wonderful to have discussions about Citizen Kane, especially towards the end when he rages through Suzy's room like a hurricane. Or the scene in The Third Man when Harry Lime's fingers reach for the freedom he cannot have. Oh, my word! To be able to talk about topics like this is a dream.
2. You've Got to Look Good, Baby
As noble as it is to seek intelligence above all else, here's the part in the post where I showcase that I'm just as shallow as the next person. My shallowness, however, may be a bit unorthodox. Allow me to deconstruct.
Though I follow The Rock on Instagram, he's too ripped for my taste. The amount of time he spends in the gym is mind-boggling, though necessary. In fact, I follow him because he motivates me to go to the gym, especially on days I really don't want to. I also see Rock-like guys in the gym, and I let them see me check them out because they work so hard to get those muscles noticed. It only seems fair.
It's true that muscles are impressive, but there's no give in a body like that. I know because I've hugged body builders before, and, though I feel super protected while held in an embrace like that, I'd much rather snuggle into a softer, more natural body. I like men who possess strength from natural use rather than free weights (there's nothing wrong with body building, fellas, but I get a little freaked with too many popping veins and biceps as big as my head). Plus, the best bodies, in my opinion, to snuggle are ones that are filled out with some softness. I am soft, even when I'm fitter, so I like softness in a man, too.
To round out my ideal, I have to mention I go gaga for scruff, tallness, a great smile, and intelligent eyes that are not too close together.
3. You've Got to Create, Baby
Though looking "my kind of good" is important, there is one other thing that the man I end up dating must have: a creative outlet. I have a thriving creative life. Though I don't have much publication to show for it, I write and I write often. I love words--the way they look on paper, they way they feel when I write longhand--all those loops and lines. I love the way words sound, especially in a well-read work or well-delivered line in a show or film. It would be nice to be with someone who has a similar value towards words.
What's more is this: It would be lovely to date someone with a creative streak because I'd understand his compulsion to create alone and he'd understand mine. Plus, we could talk about our craft with one another, draw comparisons and such.
Yeah, the more I write about these qualities, the more likely it seems I'll be single forever.
And you know what? That's okay, too. I'd rather be single than compromise what I'd like to share with someone else in a relationship. I settled one way or another in all of my previous relationships, even my marriage. It's no wonder they all ended.
I've finally come to realize that I'm cool enough, that my self-depreciation is endearing (though no one in my social circle agrees with me), and I'm interesting. So, there's more going for me than against.
Will I ever move beyond first dates? Absolutely. Will some of those be with a man who possesses a hint of David Harbour? You betcha. Perhaps he may not be as tall (DH is 6'3") or hold a degree from an Ivy League college, but he'll be a good fit for me.
But until my dance card fills, I don't mind daydreaming about the enormously talented David Harbour. After all, there are worse ways to pass the time.